Happiness I've Found...Emptying My Soul. Pencil to Paper.

I feel really great! I just completed a song and have the basic idea for another. I feel so refreshed and wonderful because I haven't been writing.  Its interesting how the things you are listening to influence your writing.  I've been into like a pop-rock, folksy, ccm kinda thing lately and i've been playing in church and I can see those things in the songs that I am working on now.  I can't wait to record them and work on this producing thing..it'll be new, but fun. i have some ideas for the sounds i'm going for so I just gotta figure out how to work this techy stuff.  I can't wait until my music isn't a direct product of what I am listening to at a certain time but a culmination of a lot of different things that I've experienced over time.  It's fun though. While it is expressive, its still sort of like an exercise when I specifically decide to use something that I've heard and liked before or when I try to write in a specific style.  It's also amazing how a progression or a figure or something can feel like some specific mood or emotion; whether you know what to call it or not, you just know what it feels like. i'm gonna try and name them something. idk. well until next time.....never take super long breaks between writing...or maybe you should..who knows but God.

toodloo!!

Crazy

I have this problem. I think I get so excited about stuff that I don't allow things to progress naturally.  I discover a bunch of things that I want to do at the same time, and then I don't know which one to do first, and I try to figure out how to do them all so I don't forget any of them and I don't actually really digest one of them because my brain is so scattered. I need to stop this.  It's not just with big things but little things...it happens every single day...every time i want to practice or learn something, another thing i wanna learn pops up in my head...Confusion begins!! I try to read more than one book at one time, I think about transcribing a million songs at once...I'll stop...i'll just do what I started...i started reading coltrane and jane eyre...i will read and finish coltrane...i started transcribing Bessie's blues...i'll finish and transcribe that whole thing and then move on...ok . i can do this. just breathe...everything else will still be there..i'll do that right now...at least one new thing everyday...it can be more than one but it doesn't have to be. now Wesley got me wanting to read about orchestration...this is just insane. ok. i will transcribe Bessie's blues. Sight-read and Analyze the pieces that I'm playing on organ and discover stuff...today. Piano solo, bessie's blues...i can do this...one thing a day. i can do it. alright. i'm ready...::deep breath::

learning ----> ready to graduate?

So today I've been having one of those thinking days that I think come all the time, but often when one is about to embark upon something new...that for me is life after graduation...after my school days are over, after every moment is planned around semesters, spring breaks, and assignments...when what I do is not graded, but is gathered into what we call our "reputation".

Today I've been wondering if I am ready, that is prepared for life, to graduate. Dr. Jackson asked me today what I thought of these past four years and in responding, I started wondering to myself whether or not I was satisfied with what I had learned.  When I first came to school I believed that going to school for music would transform me into some amazing, superhuman musician who knew a whole lot and could play absolutely anything...this is not the case. On the brink of graduation, I finally realize that going to school is just and introduction to a lot of things that would have taken you a while to stumble upon without somebody else's help. (I realized this before today but I'm just having a day)

So anyway this is what I've learned:
Never make excuses or justify mediocrity because of your age or lack of experience or because you are  a "student". You may not have learned these things yet which supposedly makes it ok that you do not know or do not these certain abilities but how long will it be "ok".  School is like a little safety net...we use it to say that we are trying things out or I'm a beginner or I'm just learning but after that is over...what do you have to say? I'm sorry, I just graduated...I haven't been in the real world long enough..NOPE. No time for excuses...if you don't know something just learn it...spend the tedious time now instead of waiting until you graduate or move to whatever that next thing is to decide to sit down and really shed...(this applies to more than music BTW). I am no longer an excuse maker....also
Don't feel bad because you can't do something or because you don't know...Just figure it out immediately....

bye...and i know people don't really read these things...but whatev...i'll read it....HmmPH! Off to go shed...happy practicing...

Some things i want to do in my life

So...i haven't done this blogging thing in a very long time. I was reading George Walker : Reminisces of an American Composer and Pianist  ( first African American to win a Pulitzer Prize in Composition 1996 - look him up) and I was reading about all of the things he's done and I decided to write a list of kinda specific things that I want to do at some point in life.

- Get a Fulbright fellowship
- Get a Macdowell Colony Fellowship
- Get a Guggenheim fellowship
- Live in another country
- Study Alternative Medicine, Nutrition, and Culinary Arts in another country
- Have a garden with fruit, flowers, and vegetables
- Teach an aerobics class
- Compose for a film (films)
- Perform my own music

of course there is more like general stuff like play music and write music and whatever but these are specificish things.

Also, I can't wait until school is over. I decided I'm going to start doing fun stuff. YAY!
I'm also a really bad blogger, i never write anything dreadfully interesting for anyone else to read but whatever. I read it and it's for me...so bye :-)

Music

 Hazrat Inayat Khan describes this phenomenon quite beautifully “ What the world is seeking, what the human soul yearns for, is life, whether it comes through music, color, lines or words. What everyone desires is life. It is life that is the real source of healing; music can heal if life is put into it. There is no great secret about this, if only a person is able to understand the truth in its simplicity.”

Saturday/.

Today is going quite well...my piece is coming along, my writers block has disappeared...i've overcome the obstacle and i think i'm successfully "stealing" from great composers, haha hahaha ::sinister laugh:: I've also come down with some sort of cough/sore throat situation ...i wanna be like a natural medicine expert so today i drank throat coat and some chinese tea, ginger and chamomile tea ( after which my cough disappeared) and now i'm on cinnamon and honey...idk if that's working but i'm going to get some fresh juice and maybe pomegranate, lemon, ginger tea later...i'll go to the health store and get some other stuff too maybe...it looks like i'm going to start vegan week now. 

Anyway,

off to compositionness..

Senior Recital

So I am in the process of contacting musicians for my Senior Recital...i am really excited and really nervous...I'm finishing up pieces, working things out and I know it will all go well...this is a scary process though...aah, the life a compositionist. LOL...

I don't have anything else to say so I guess this blog is dumb. Off to work.

tired.

i was pooped. now i'm over it. back to work.

hmm..

So today was a good day and then I drained myself towards the end of it and  I am now recovering...lol..Not drain as in tired but I think I overworked myself in my mind...not actually...like I made things more overwhelming than they are...

Also today, we had like a "game-show" kinda thing in student recital and the Theory team (my team) won, but it also made me realize how many things that I've learned that I have forgotten...I definitely need to actually learn and take in these things like all the way so I can know it like in my sleep...like not just stuff about theory but music in general. I shouldn't have to think so hard to recall some of these things...And, that got me thinking about grad school and the future and life and stuff...and I just need to be better...

I completely lost my train of thought just now and I've been meaning to tell somebody that I conduct electricity...like extra electricity...like I may have super powers that I never knew about because I've been seeing little sparks of light when I do certain stuff with my hands...I AM A SUPERHERO!

Anyway, I'm going to have my recital and write for my recital....
I always think of my life like a movie and I want to stop....like I'll be walking down the street..imagining myself in a movie and I'll think of what's going on in the movie in stuff...like narration in my head...I'd like to stop and just live...I just got sleepy...I thought I was gonna be wide awake for a long time...i'm going to eat my food and sit here...my arm is tired...i need to cut my nails...i wanna write some good songs and sing them and stuff..and play them with a band and guitar...

I'd like to just relax..I think I get sleepy at around 10:30 like every night.

aaaahhh!!!!

I'm really excited...my trumpet and percussion piece is coming together!!! AAAAAAHHH!!!!!...
these ideas are floating in my head really well and I keep thinking of new stuff, I just want it to be right....oh well back to work.

I really feel like this is going to turn out really well..Thank you God!

Outtie!

Tired.

I am very sleepy. My book, How to Write For Percussion - Samuel Z. Solomon came in...i'm pretty excited about it...Whenever I get a house I'm going to have a library with music and books...

Anywho, I am tired. I wrote from 3-5pm today and then I went to pick up my mother....I know that's not a long time but I am tired of writing and thinking right now...maybe I'll read something...I think I'll actually read until I fall asleep and then wake-up and practice or write again...if i wake up early tomorrow I'll get some writing in..I have percussion parts to fill-in in Section 1 and Section 2...i just don't quite know what to do...I have a little outline of some stuff though, I guess I'll do some more listening and experimenting and try to do something on purpose. I'd say this is going pretty well though. I'll definitely be finished by the end of January, hopefully before that so I can finish up my last piece for my recital...and I REALLY wanna do it...maybe I'll work on the libretto for that simultaneously...I need to by Their Eyes Were Watching God...I lost my copy, idk where it is though. maybe i left it in Italy..i didn't even bring it to Italy...so idk where or when I lost it. I need to cook something else in the near future...not spaghetti either, maybe the mushroom spaghetti thing from Rachel Ray's show....i'm gonna make mushrooms spaghetti, then veggie chili because i love it...and something else...a dessert...cake or something, maybe carrot cake cupcakes or apple pie...idk. 

not today, another day. whatever day i don't have class this semester can be cooking day.

bye.

off to read/sleep.

Vocal Pedagogy

I have rehearsal tonight with the kiddies and I was thinking if I have to do warm-ups what are cool ones to do...

Of course I know of some warm-ups but I always forget what they're for and which ones to do and why and all of that...so i began to look up stuff online but with all of these amateur voice teachers who may or may not be professionals and randoms posting anything on the internet...i don't half-way believe these people...

I am really interested in vocal health...actually, I'm interested in whole body health and healing through music and natural resources like food and herbs...i really do wanna study these things. I think first I should start doing them...so I'm going to start exercising and cooking.  i should try a bunch of different stuff..i like yoga, pilates, dance aerobics....i've been meaning to do zumba but either way, if i became a pedagogue...piano, voice, or composition...i'd teach my students about health and the importance it has on you as a performer and composer....

I guess I'll get a book on vocal pedagogy..

btw...i got  2 books for christmas 

"1000 Recordings to Hear Before You Die" - Tom Moon

I think this is a great book to own, its a helpful guide to exploring music of all sorts.

"From Spirituals to Symphonies: African-American Women Composers and Their Music"

I haven't opened this one yet but when I do I'll give a lil review...something slight..lol

And, today I ordered

"How to Write for Percussion" - Samuel Z. Solomon

Hopefully I get that book tomorrow. 

I also wanna read Eat, Pray, Love...i saw the movie but i feel like the book will be better.

If anybody has any books to recommend please do...i need it!!!

No Plan

I don't know what to do with my life. I don't have to have a plan. I wanna go somewhere for the summer but I'd have to apply now...I don't know what to do or where to go.
I'm gonna go work on my recital music now.

Funny feelings...

So, sometimes when I'm writing or thinking about going places for writing I get scared...like I'm not going to be good enough or other people are going to know a bunch of stuff that I'm supposed to know but don't.
I began to write this and then I thought...

HEY! I was scared when I was going to Italy and it turned out to be fine, I wasn't behind and people liked the stuff I wrote...so therefore...I am over it..No, i'm not the best composer or musician out there but I'm not terrible and it's good to be around people who know more because then you'll learn more...

I no longer feel funny...i hope these feelings go away for ever...i always have waves of fear and lack of confidence come over me...and then they go away...Music is fun, it's not about who's better...lol

Ok. I'm done.
Outtie.

First Blog

So today is my first time blogging. I don't have anything cool to write but I decided I wanted to write a blog so that when I'm composing/researching at my computer I can write down some of my thoughts.  I also misplaced my notebook last week and have not looked for it yet and don't want to take up time.  So i got a record player yesterday which I thought was cool...now I gotta get some more records, but it sounds good.  Anyway...

So I'm writing this composition for trumpet and percussion and my knowledge of percussion is rather limited.  I'm not like an expert when it comes to trumpet but I took a class and played a scale so at least I know what it feels like to some degree.  Anywho, I am just excited because this seek and you shall find thing is amazing...I keep finding articles and composers to listen to and I am really beginning to learn more about this percussion thing...some of the challenges other composers face, some ways that others have approached it...

I tend to be a see what somebody else did and then do my own thing kinda person...sometimes when I have absolutely no idea my creativity seems blocked...Maybe because I'm competitive I always want to do what somebody else did better...LOL...well not necessarily but its just easier that way...i have something to build off of...which is useful to a composer who is staring at a blank page that has to be full of notes by the time you are done...unlike arranging or something you don't have anything to work with outside of your own experiences and things you've listened to,read, or researched...Well anywho...
back to my researching and listening and writing....

I'm excited though, I don't need to be in the percussion studio to play around...All I need is a little brain silence.

BTW...i didn't have time to make this thing look pretty, the idea to blog came upon me suddenly so its not going to look cool but whatev.